For you, little Eyesmin

In my blog I talk about many things including life in Bangladesh, my village and most importantly, the familial oppression I faced growing up. Many times I thought about coming forward with the taboo topic rarely spoken about publicly, sexual abuse.

Like millions of young girls around the world I was a victim of sexual abuse. After years of pondering I am finally sharing my story here online. I shied away years ago because upon revealing this to my own mother back in 2013, her and other close relatives reaction resulted in a “gaslighting” of my experiences. That experience left me feeling alone and betrayed. It actually resulted in additional new-trauma and felt harsher than the actual abuse.

To be honest, I can’t remember the exact age that the sexual abuse began happening. Based on the perceived age of my attacker I can only surmise that I was about 7 or 8 years of age. It was an occurrence that became repetitive as well as terrifying and was always associated childhood games as a perfect cover. My innocence disallowed me from understanding the meaning or consequences of his actions. I felt guilty and faced self-blame as I matured.

In my processing and education I have learned that these instances sometimes become cloudy especially with dates and age of occurrence. Over the years of me trying to cope with this difficult abuse it has somehow also became difficult attaching dates and time. If you’re wondering whether this memory issue is a normal occurrence or just a side effect of a fabricated story, yes it is normal to develop issues due to suppression. Feel free to do your own research.

I used to love playing kuluk khela – lukochuri (hide & seek). It was so much fun when all my cousins gathered together at my grandma’s (naani’s) house. We would do this endlessly at the time in and out of the main house. Am guessing it’s a worldwide children’s game enjoyed by all at some point in the developmental years.

My mother’s middle sister has three sons of which he is the oldest I used to call him by his nickname - sumon bhaiya (older brother). Even not capitalizing his name for me is meaningful in my healing process due to what he did to me.

At the time, being a teenager nearly 10 years my elder, he bragged about how long he could hide without being discovered. I recall the first time he urged me to hide with him as if he had already selected his victim. It was not long after taking me to a hiding spot that his daring exploration began.

Within a short period time when the other kids were busy hiding he quickly lowered his pants to his ankles to show me how he could move his fully erect penis and began flinching it. This flinching of the erect penis was something he felt proud about and somehow he needed me to witness it.

As soon as any of the others came close to where he took me, he would quickly pull up his pants to avoid detection. I remember feeling so terrified by this weird behavior as well as awkward and not knowing what to do. Embarrassed and afraid to scream or cry, I was frozen with fear. I then recall having murmured to him in a low voice, “you’re not supposed to do that...this is bad.”

He quickly responded, “I am not doing anything bad, all men have this [his penis].”

While pulling up his pants he made sure he warned me, “You better not tell this to anyone!” Adding,“You’ll get a beating from your mom and no-one is going to talk to you.” I was scared shitless hearing this. He saw how scared I was and then said, “I am going to tell them that you liked it and that you asked me to do it.” I was perplexed and afraid beyond any capabilities at that age. My young ears disallowed me from understanding what had just happened and I didn’t know how to effectively deal with this and many other instances like this.

This person saw that as a younger cousin, I somehow looked up to him and knew I feared saying no to any indiscretions such this. He capitalized on this and so began my deepest victimization.

Since I can remember, my mom and I have never had a healthy relationship. This disconnect also included my much older sister. My family raised me living in fear with constant beatings and berating for any perceived indiscretions.

Although I wanted to say something I could never get the courage to rise up and tell my mother, sister or anyone else for that matter that this was happening to me. That it felt wrong to me. I was trapped at such a young age and my mind was incapable of coping or finding a safe solution.

After that first time he kept pairing with me whenever he was around the game was being played. At this point he groomed me so well that I didn’t even hesitate to join him while hiding. Reflecting on this nowadays it baffles me to understand why I couldn’t just run away and tell everyone.

Conversely, I began to feel somewhat comfortable around him. He constantly told me things like “you know you like it, you know you want this” which eventually took my guard down and I complied with him. He always said, “This is our little secret.”

One day he took me to a bathroom and took his penis out and said now show me yours. I reluctantly lowered my pants down and squatted as he did. He looked at me and said, “look you have one too” pointing to my clitoral area. Me being so naive and innocent then said, “But it doesn’t move like yours and it’s so small. Why doesn’t mine move?” I asked him puzzled as to why we had different appendages.

He just said to me in a hushed voice, “I’m a boy and you're a girl!” At the same time I remember hearing my Boro Mami (paternal eldest aunt) calling out my name and also looking for me so I could come inside to eat. She had looked inside the house came outside to call me then checked the outhouse as she assumed that would be the last place I could be. It was then that he seemed scared while she stood outside he ordered me in a whisper to say I was using the bathroom.

She called out asking me “do you have a bodna (toilet wash jug)?” Then saying,” I see all of them are outside, are you sure you have one with you?”

He whispered again and told me, “Say that you have one and you’ll be out soon.” She then retreated back into the house and he quickly and nervously got up off the floor getting dressed. He stood up and began pulling up his pants then ordered me to stand up close to him with my pants down. He then started to rub his erect penis on my genital area.

I immediately told him I didn’t like it and began pulling up my own pants. As I did this I thought to myself why did he just whisper to me when Boro Mami called for me? Also thinking why he had ordered me to lie to her? Was it so that Boro Mami couldn’t hear he was in here with me?”

“You need to get out first,” adding, “because if they see that you’re in here with me and find out that you lied to mami then they’ll beat you and embarrass you here in front of everyone.” Then affirming his order asked me, “I don’t think you want that right?”

That day I was left with a lot of questions. I was slowly getting to understand what was happening to me. I tried so hard to forget it but I couldn’t. I cant really remember today how many times the molestations totaled in numbers but there were multiple incidents.

Whenever I saw him or he came close to me I felt such shame and embarrassment that I became the opposite of my usual happy self. He always had this look as if he had taken something from me and owned my silence due to the imminent shame it would cause me. I realize today that this was textbook predator behavior.

After a while my growth allowed me to see right from wrong and the next time he wanted to hide with me I came out of the room and said I wasn’t playing. I began occupying myself with other activities to avoid the game. He seemed relentless and continued asking me to do things. One time he asked me to go to the bathroom with him and I threatened to tell my sister if he didn’t go away and leave me alone. She will believe me and tell my mom. Eventually he got the message.

Truth is I lied to him to defend myself, to feel safe. I didn’t think anyone could protect me from him. A child protecting herself because she was afraid of humiliation and beating. I felt that it was the worst thing me as a girl can do to my family by entering a bathroom and have man rub his erect penis on my genitals. I was afraid of being shamed and eventually my family killing me because they were so disgusted by me.

Then there were rumors going around that sumon took his penis out in front of a girl at his school. He also supposedly did this in front of my grandma’s neighbor’s daughter while a 5 year-old cousin was nearby. When the neighbor’s daughter said something to adults they thought she was lying resulting in retaliatory false stories to dishonor my grandma’s family.

While all of this was coming out my mother once warned me “if I ever see you hanging with sumon I will kill you.” That warning from mom made me realize I had to stay away from him. I was scared to death feeling as if it had been my fault. I thought somehow I had caused him to behave as he did.

One day soon after the last incident my sister approached me. I am not sure what she saw or heard but she pulled me to the side and asked me, “Did sumon ever do anything to you?”

I was horrified thinking “OMG she knows.” “I am going to die.” I managed to squeak out an answer, “No.” Adding, “Why do you ask?”

She responded, “there are a lot of bad things being said about him and I wanted to make sure you knew that you can tell me if he did anything to you.” I thought to myself of course I couldn’t tell her because she would go tell mom who will then beat me berate me and maybe kill me for doing the worst thing in life.” I was best to remain silent and forget that it ever happened.

Many years later our families all migrate to Brooklyn-NYC together. Having been sponsored by our mother’s youngest sister “D” who was the pioneer of the three sisters.

She was married off to an equally ambitious Bengali man who had been lucky enough to gain a Visa thus enabling the process for which I’m forever grateful and thankful.

She didn’t have to work hard to assert her success but somehow it was evident we were all indebted to her forever. She was the “mayor” in our family who ultimately made the final calls to everything.

After my arrival, I became very close with her daughter “S”. We hung out everyday and shared many stories. Our friendship grew and I eventually trusted her enough to share my traumatic story of molestation. She somewhat trusted me as well and told me she herself had been molested. We never did get into details on her end as we both had different predators. I also got around to speaking with another cousin of ours named boro mami’s daughter “M” who also told me that the same pervert cousin, sumon molested her as well. Yet neither one of us had the courage, strength or support to out this predator.

My sexual trauma became more apparent when I became sexually active after entering college. I kept feeling as if I was ugly, dirty, unworthy and even disposable. When I moved out of my parent’s house I was at a really bad place mentally.

I had lost my biological family due to difference of opinion. In addition, I then also lost touch with any and most of all my friends because they misjudged me for my life choices. Besides Miguel I literally had no one by my side. These so called friends didn’t think my relationship would last with him.

I was also getting repetitive calls from my mother crying hysterically for years begging me to return home. Even though I had already established a home with my current husband she would continue to tell me how wrong I was to put her and my father through this. She was more upset because my older sister had herself left the house for a man she loved and now me. She cursed me and wished me failure and said I would pay for this for the rest of my life. The usual Desi guilt trip and ultimate curse (ovhishaap) as she ill wished me sitting on a prayer’s matt (janamaz.)

After being blamed from everything and my parents never taking accountability for their actions against me I couldn’t take it anymore. One day I lost it and said her, “you think you were so perfect?” Adding, “You couldn’t protect me when your nephew was molesting me over and over.” “Where were you when he was taking advantage of me over and over at an early age?” She started to cry even more vigorously and said,“Don’t say these things anymore!” Finishing up with, “You shouldn’t talk about this. It’s not true.”

Then the follow up questions were, “Why didn’t you tell anyone then?” “Why are you talking about it now?” “Why so late?” I told her how fearful I was of the humiliation, beating and eventually being killed by her.

I told her that I kept blaming myself throughout the process of suffering by this guy. I shouldn’t have hidden or played with him. I was embarrassed thinking that it was my fault and none of that mattered to her.

She said, “It’s hard for me to believe it how will the rest of the family believe you?” I then told her to just ask my cousins “S” and “M”. They both know very well about this and in fact, sumon molested “M” as well. Mom approached the “Mayor” and vehemently any possibility calling me a liar and there was no way sumon could have done that to anyone.

The news then got around within the family and it came back to me that “S” stated I had never talked about such incidents with her. “M” parents also said that no such thing had happened to their daughter.

My mother then informed me that her sister “D” the “mayor” claimed I was only claiming this false story for attention. Also adding that it was my effort to make this all up because I left the house and “brought shame and dishonor” to the family.

Meanwhile, throughout this turmoil, sumon continued with his life following a love marriage with a girl from Bangladesh. Men are of course allowed more often to have love marriages despite of their tainted character. Women, for the most part are married off for family status or other economical and financial reasons.

Sumon’s wife eventually emigrated here and they currently have a six years old son and four years old daughter. Ironically this molester celebrates Father’s Day like many hidden predators do. Am certain he was also showered with love and appreciation. He lives in the same place we lived when we arrived, Ave C and Macdonald ave.

For a while my mother claimed that she didn’t have good relationship with her sisters because of my accusations against sumon and I felt awful about it. After a few visits to my mother’s house I realized that the animosity between them had disappeared. They were actually friendly and hanging out as sisters usually does.

My own mother was gaslighting me and couldn’t challenge her younger sisters. My mother couldn’t stand up for me. I had now faced betrayal from everyone whom I had told my story to.

Here I was always wanting to protect my family from being at the back end of local gossip and backlash from relatives and the Bengali community. I then realized that none of my family members had shown any form of support towards me. So here I am wholeheartedly regurgitating out all this information to out and eventually confront my abuser and non-believers.

In conclusion, I am sharing my story so that anyone of you can come forward and point out the monster who took a piece of you or your childhood. I am writing this so that you can find the strength, courage and confidence I eventually found. It happened, we experienced it. Dear victims, you are not alone and I Stand with You.

I am not here so that anyone can feel pity or feel sorry for me. I am doing it for every 7/8 years old Eyesmin out there who was made to feel defenseless and robbed of her innocence. She never felt safe or protected as all the adults in her life somehow failed to see this animal take her happy innocence away. I am doing it so that you can protect your innocent and naive children against predators like sumon. I hope that you build trust instead of fear and allow them to confide in you. I hope that you hold monsters like sumon accountable to the highest degree possible.

enamul m hoque sumon, I challenge you to stand in front of me out in the public or in a court of law which is where I intend to take you. You are a coward. You are a sex offender and it should stay in your record for the rest of your life.